Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Sign at work today

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

i can’t work under these festive conditions