When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
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[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Flowers bee like
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!