When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
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My birthstone is a sushi roll.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
*me flirting
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
