Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Trains are just sideway elevators.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What