When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: