When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor