When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.