When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me