When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
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[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
want me to check your oil?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today