When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Oceanography is all about current events
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum