when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
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Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.