when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
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me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Thinking about Jeff
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no