Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

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Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in