When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
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“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International