When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
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ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]