When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
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Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Europe. Made in Germany.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.