Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.