When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*