When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address