When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I am all good here, 😂😉
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks