Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

peep davidson

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.