Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them