When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
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[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.