@bourgeoisalien

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

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@clusterctraits

I like how some beatles songs sound like they’re written for children and other times they sing about heroin.

@SirEviscerate

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

@astutenewf

Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.

@seamussaid

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

@AndyAsAdjective

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

@meganamram

Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone

@AndyRichter

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

@POTerritory

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,