I like how some beatles songs sound like they’re written for children and other times they sing about heroin.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
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ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,