When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
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*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Friends that check up on you >
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
ibopfufen
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.