Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”