When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
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Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.