When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
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[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Put this video in the Louvre