When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
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Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?