When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
You Might Also Like
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters