When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
