When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
favorite tropes as memes
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
💯😂
men, we mow at sunrise.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
