When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Mission: Impossible
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
