When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
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One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Saturday
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.