When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

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I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.


DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*


The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.


Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house


“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”


One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.


Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.


[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field