When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
✌️
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
What is going on? 😅
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places