When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Spotted in the wild
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
welp
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.