When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.