Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

good morning

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.