When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I used the label maker
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.