when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.