when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries