when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.