when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.