A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
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“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.