When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
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My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
Finally!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.