When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
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I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
This pepper has seen some shit
*me flirting
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”