Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

#catsoftwitter

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?