Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

23. the denim jacket

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*