when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
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Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
✌️
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win