Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

This came to me in a dream.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair