When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism: