When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
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Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
i prefer mine room temperature.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.