When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
You Might Also Like
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I’m not lazy
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.