When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
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Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.