When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
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Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My wife gives the best headache.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
@funTweeters I am at your service….
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.