When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
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Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right