When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
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[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
never compromise your values
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.