When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
How it started: How it’s going:
The USS B port
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Just a friendly reminder!
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Trains are just sideway elevators.