When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
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The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”