When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
You Might Also Like
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.