Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

We’ve come full circle

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.