I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Taliband
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.