When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
If snakes were wide
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.