When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
when unicorns get really drunk
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.