when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
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I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.