when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
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My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The song “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan just hits different when Dr. Frankenstein sings it.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.