Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”