when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
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that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
water it, i dare you
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.