Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

pelicons

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.