When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
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At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.