When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
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Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.