Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!