When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
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Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
as the prophecy foretold
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.